Why Connected Parenting Doesn’t “Reward Bad Behavior”

March 25, 2024 Caroline Griswold

I offered a free workshop recently on setting limits without using shame or punishment, and as usual, the questions were my favorite part.

We have so many experiences as parents that challenge whatever textbook parenting advice we’ve received along the way.

Examples include:

“OK, I get that it’s a good idea to set a warm limit! But what do I do when I don't FEEL warm?”

“What do I do if agree with this approach in theory, but then when the sh*t hits the fan, I default back to threats and bribes?

“You’ve suggested that I bring connection when my kids are off track, but doesn’t that just send the message that my kid can act like a jerk and I’ll be nice to them?”

Thoughts on a Decade of Parenting

January 30, 2024 Caroline Griswold

My sweet, physical, fierce, tender kid turned 10 two weeks ago.

One decade of him.

Ten years of:

Late nights—oh no, he’s up too late; why won’t he sleep?; reading books x 1 zillion; “come on kid, let’s get those teeth brushed!”

Middle-of-the-nights—feedings; diaper changes; bad dreams; rocking rocking rocking; “I don’t know why I’m awake mama I just am;” phone scrolling; wondering if we’re doing it right/doing enough

Early mornings—sweet baby smell; bright eyes; new words that weren’t there the night before; quiet playtime; exhaustion; Special Time x 1 zillion; rushing rushing rushing to daycare/preschool/school/bus

… and so much time in between full of H, the way he is, the way he has always been.

Why Kids Stop Listening and What You Can Do About it

November 3, 2020 Caroline Griswold

To be listened to makes us feel seen, understood, and valued.

To be ignored or have our listening go unanswered makes us feel hurt, afraid, and sometimes enraged.

And, when our kids don’t listen to us, it can trigger a cascade of feelings and worries that reach both backward into the past and forward toward the future.

Let’s take a closer look at listening, and at what happens to us and to our kids when listening falls apart.

5 Tips for Raising a Healthy Eater

July 8, 2020 Caroline Griswold

Eating—and what, how, and when our kids do (or don’t do) it—is one of the things that many of the parents I support also spend considerable time observing and thinking about.

Let's Talk About Parenting, Not (Just) the Pandemic

March 18, 2020 Caroline Griswold

There’s nothing like a pandemic and a complete shutdown of life as we know it to test our mettle as people and as parents. This may be the truest, most direct experience of “parenting as path” that we will ever encounter.

Is it possible to continue to be the parents we want to be right now? Ask me again in a few months, but right now, I feel that it is.

Here’s what I’m practicing and finding useful right now when it comes to my parenting.

When Old Hurts Get in the Way of Our Parenting

January 28, 2020 Caroline Griswold

I often think about something a very thoughtful dad of two said to me during a coaching session last year. We were talking about his transition home after long days at work, and how hard he tried to come into the house with an open heart and mind.

Things had been very challenging with his 5-year-old son, and he worried about what he might encounter when he opened the door. He worried too about how triggering his son’s behavior often felt.

He tried to shed his day on the commute home, and plug back into family life with energy. But, he said, as soon as he stepped through the door, he felt as if he were “back in the lion’s den again, ready for war.”

The Surprising Benefits of Doing Less as a Parent

September 24, 2019 Caroline Griswold

How would it feel to do a little less in your parenting today?

I’m asking myself this question a lot lately, because I find I’ve gotten wrapped up in old patterns of doing MORE these last few weeks, and it doesn’t feel great.

I mean a specific kind of “doing more” here, one that looks like:

Picking out my son’s clothes and putting them on him, piece by piece
Reminding him to take his plate over to the sink when he’s done eating
Talking over him in the middle of a big feeling.

I know why I’m doing all of this, despite my belief (and tangible evidence) that most of it isn’t helpful.

Parenting When You're in Pain

September 10, 2019 Caroline Griswold

Every family has its own heartbreaks, sooner or later.

But how to meet and manage the pain and sadness of these times without shutting down is a whole other story. And having kids complicates how (or if) we are able to work with it. It also raises questions about how much (or whether) to share it with our children.

Why it Matters How We Respond to Our Child's Feelings

July 30, 2019 Caroline Griswold

One of the biggest challenges we face as parents is knowing how to respond when our children have a big feeling—when they get angry, very sad, frustrated, or even super excited.

This work begins for us when our babies are tiny, when they sometimes cry for prolonged periods for seemingly no reason.

And it continues as our children grow into older babies, toddlers, and beyond.

How we meet our child’s big feelings will teach them how to meet their own feelings, and, I’d argue, how to understand themselves as they grow.

How Play Helps Children Cooperate

July 1, 2019 Caroline Griswold

As I’ve written about before, play is so much more than meaningless fun for kids.

Just as independent play is an important part of your child’s development, play with you facilitates a greater bond between you and your child, and deepens his trust in you.

Play is one of the main ways our kids connect with us—their most important grownups. It offers your child some of the warmth and closeness he needs a good healthy dose of daily.

In addition to all of these benefits, play is also an amazing tool to help increase our kids’ cooperation, improve their behavior, and decrease the struggle that we often face with everyday tasks.

How to Get Your Kid to Play Without You (and Why You Should)

June 3, 2019 Caroline Griswold

I often say to parents that play is like the blood that runs through your child’s veins. He absolutely thrives on it—in fact he needs it to grow, develop, understand the world, and process his experiences.

Play helps your child discover what he can do, as well as what he can’t (yet) do. It gives him a chance to experiment (will this ball fit into this container? How about this one?), to practice building his skills (if I jump off this sidewalk 100 more times, I will do it without stumbling!), and through this process of discovery, experimentation, and practice, develop his self-confidence.

From Play Yards to Yes Spaces: Creating a Safe Play Space for Your Child

May 20, 2019 Caroline Griswold

New parents often tell me that they struggle to get any kind of self-care once their baby arrives. I can relate—after my son was born I felt totally disconnected from the habits that had nurtured me before his arrival.

Here’s a little secret. One of the best things you can do for your young baby also comes with a bonus: it’s self-care for you, too.

That thing that is so good for both of you is simple (and yes, hard too): put your baby down.

Want a Self-Confident Kid? Try This.

March 12, 2019 Caroline Griswold

One of my favorite RIE® Basic Principles is “trust in the infant’s competence.” Starting from birth, we trust that our baby is capable of—and interested in—learning and exploring the world to the degree she is ready. This means we allow her ample space and time to reach milestones on her own, or even to do things like grasp a toy without our help.

The big idea behind this principle is that, if given the space and time to learn and explore on his own, our child will not only develop beautifully, he will also cultivate a sense of his own capacity and capability from a very early age.

I think this principle is applicable to our children long past infancy—indeed, throughout their developmental years. Here’s how trusting our kids’ unfolding can look as they grow.

What True Quality Time With Your Child Feels Like

February 13, 2019 Caroline Griswold

Recent studies have shown that parents are spending more time with their kids now than they did half a century ago—a lot more.

This is cause for celebration in my book, but I must admit that it leaves me with a bit of a nagging question.

What is that time really like?

What if You Stopped Teaching Your Child?

January 10, 2019 Caroline Griswold

My son recently got it into his head that he HAD to try ice-skating. So, over the holidays we took him to one of the seasonal rinks set up around the city at this time of year for San Francisco kids who otherwise might never see a real ice-covered anything.

The rink was, as my Irish friends say, chock-a-block with kids and adults of all ages. I’d say the average skill level was Dangerously Unsteady, with a couple of Just-Starting-To-Get-It folks thrown in the mix. One very thrilled, Approaching-Intermediate-Level Dad was zooming around the rink, narrowly missing taking out an unsuspecting skater with each lap.

I took one look at this scene and immediately went into Professor Mom mode. We got my son’s skates on, and I started coaching him on how to walk over to the rink without breaking his ankle. We secured one of those skater-assistance devices that’s a bit like a walker on blades, and bravely hobbled onto the ice.

Help Your Child Sleep Better With Bedtime Rituals

December 16, 2018 Caroline Griswold

Ahhhhh, sleep.

It’s one of the first things people ask new parents about, and the focus and source of a lot of our time, energy, and stress during the first years of our kids’ lives.

I recently visited with close friends and their week-old baby. One of the first things Dad said to me was, “wow, the sleep deprivation finally caught up with us. We were fine for a few days and then…” he trailed off. Then: “This is hard.”

How to Weather Big Transitions

August 15, 2018 Caroline Griswold

My son starts at a brand-new school tomorrow. At 4.5, he’s starting preschool later than a bunch of his peers, but it was the right decision for our family to keep him in his sweet, small daycare for an extra year.

These kinds of transitions are part of parenting for all of us, whether it’s a move to a new school, a new home, or to becoming a sibling instead of an only child. Here are a few tips for weathering these kinds transitions with respect for your child’s process and your own.

4 Ways to Meet Your Child's Resistance

June 13, 2018 Caroline Griswold

I happen to know that my child is not the only one who resists the normal, everyday aspects of his existence with a kind of endurance that would be admirable were it not so darn aggravating.

Here are a few tips for managing your child’s resistance respectfully, and with an eye toward deepening her sense of connection (which—you guessed it—also can help lessen the resistance). All of these tools work well with babies, toddlers, and older children as well.

The Four Keys to Limit Setting

May 11, 2018 Caroline Griswold

In a recent post about limit setting, I argued that, for our passionate little movers, limits are like the railings on a beautiful yet precarious dance floor. We need them to provide safety and security as our kids explore the world and their place in it.

In this post I want to explore in greater detail how limit setting can look, through the lens of a beautiful path for living and relating to others called The Four-Fold Way®.