Did you ever hear, “knock that off right now!” when you were a kid?
I sure did, and it was almost always in response to playing too noisily, goofily, or roughly with my sister.
There was no space for roughhousing in my original family—not with my sister and certainly not with my parents.
Why Roughhousing Feels Hard
It’s hard for us—just like it was for our parents—to know how to allow rough-and-tumble play. For one thing, many of us never did it—either because it was stopped by our parents or, in some cases, because we were raised as girls, and “girls don’t roughhouse.”
In addition, we worry about what messages this kind of play might send. Questions parents ask me about it include:
Where do we draw the line?
What if someone gets hurt?
Doesn’t it teach them to be aggressive or violent?
Giving kids safe, healthy, and enjoyable space to roughhouse with one another does take some attunement and support on our part—as well as some exploration of our OWN feelings!
If you’re intrigued by the idea of allowing physical play but not so sure where to begin, I have a suggestion for a perfect way to start (and hopefully, continue!).
Start With You
The easiest way to introduce your kids to physical play that can be both enjoyable AND safe is for you to do it with them, before (and after!) you turn them loose with other kids.
In fact, roughhousing with your kids is a wonderful way to feel close to one another, as well as to allow your kids to experience a whole bunch of feelings and states that are hard for kids to come by.
Why Roughhousing and Physical Play are Good for Our Kids
One of the hardest parts of raising kids is that they seem to always want more of us than we can give.
Whether it’s one more book! or can’t we just play for 5 more minutes?, our kids are constantly looking for ways to get more of our attention and connection.
This is a normal part of every child’s makeup, but it can be hard on us, and hard on them.
This is one main reason I’m so passionate about introducing all parents to Special Time, because it allows us to give a good, rich dose of our connection and attention to our kids without leaving us feeling like we’ve used up every last drop of our precious energy.
And, the good news is that physical play—like roughhousing and wrestling—is another wonderful, quick way for our kids to feel our closeness and connection.
Especially if we do it a certain way.
How to Roughhouse Well
The key to roughhousing well with a child—to make it maximally enjoyable and minimally hurtful—is following their lead.
This means that we follow their lead in:
How long we roughhouse
How much intensity we bring
What style of roughhousing we use
Letting our child take the lead means that they can relax. They don’t have to worry that we will get too overpowering, or overexcited. Or that we will make a sudden move and frighten them.
And, when our kids feel in charge, they get to have an experience that most of our kids don’t feel often enough! They get to be on top. They get to be the director and choreographer.
And yes, they get to win.
Being in charge like this not only feels good—it can also be very, very funny to our kids to see us in the less-powerful role. If you hear the giggles start to bubble up, you’re on the right track.
A Few More Things to Keep in Mind
Depending on the age of your child, you can play with the roughhousing rules a bit. As children get older, sometimes they like a bigger challenge—more strength or intensity from a parent—or may enjoy some surprises. Sometimes they might ask you to call the shots.
But we always want to wait for them to show us that they are ready for something new.
Allowing our kids to take the more powerful role in physical play can build their confidence, help them work on fears, and allow them to feel their own strength and capacity.
Those things, in turn, can help our kids feel better and do better in all kinds of school, extracurricular, and family situations—a win for everyone.
If you do this kind of roughhousing regularly, you’ll be amazed by how much you’ll learn about your child’s feelings, needs, and growth edges.
So go forth and wrestle! Roll around with your kids, and get physical.
You might be surprised to find that you enjoy it, too.
