Since I started working with families, I have felt committed to helping parents access two primary things: more ease, and more joy.
I’m not sure why these became my words. Heaven knows there’s a list of things as long as my arm that we need more of when we’re parenting.
But it felt to me like these were the two things that were hardest for me to come by once my son came along, even if it sounded a bit different when I talked about it:
I wish I had more time to myself for reading or even just spacing out.
I wish I could get to a dance class more often.
I wish I knew how to set a limit without feeling like I’m being a total jerk to my kid.
I wish we didn’t struggle so much in the mornings with simple tasks.
I wish I had more fun when I was with my kid.
I wish getting into the car seat wasn’t such a struggle.
You get the idea.
I knew I needed tools, but it wasn’t the tools I wanted in the end—it was what I hoped the tools might give me: the sense that my way of being as a parent and our time as a family had more flow. That it didn’t just feel like tackling one hard thing after another.
When I got a taste of one of the things on my list—for me it was setting a limit with my son without feeling like a jerk—it was almost intoxicating. “Wow, that didn’t totally suck!” I remember thinking with a big inward smile.
He shifted what he was doing in a way I’d hoped, and I didn’t need to lock myself in the bathroom to let the shame wash over me because of how I handled it.
So, what’s on your list? What would bring you more ease and joy in your parenting?
The Parenting Big Three
Studies show that we remember things in threes, which is why I often make three suggestions to you in my posts (except when I make four, like here, and here).
For this exercise, I’d like to suggest that you take a moment—either in writing if you can spare the time, or while driving or washing dishes if you can’t—to ask yourself what three things would bring you more ease and joy in your parenting right now.
Sometimes it can be hard to choose three, but on the other hand, if you make the complete list, that can feel overwhelming and hard in a different way. So, start with the big ones.
Here were the key things that I felt would bring me more ease and joy—my Parenting Big Three—at one point in time:
Knowing what to say when I set limits so I don’t fall back on shame, blame, or punishment.
Finding ways to work with my anger so I don’t do things I regret.
Feeling like I can have a little more time to myself to refill my tank.
The Smallest Facilitating Steps
When you have yours in mind or on paper, the next step is to ask yourself:
What is one small thing I could do to move me in the direction of each of my Big Three?
I love the idea of what Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE®, used to call “the smallest facilitating step” (Your Self-Confident Baby, 99). When our child gets stuck or frustrated working on a new skill or task, sometimes all that is needed is the tiniest bit of assistance from us for them to continue past the hurdle.
Small steps can make a big difference for us as parents, too. What tiny step could facilitate the discovery of more ease and joy in the ways you’ve most been wishing for? Remember, we’re not trying to “solve” the Big Three at this moment—just take a step toward addressing them.
Here were my small facilitating steps:
Spending time reading about actual words to use in response to my child’s behavior that feel respectful to me and also jive with my parenting values.
Learning about and choosing 1-2 tools I can use to calm down when I feel the anger rising in me.
Finding a dance class I can fit into my schedule every week, and putting it on my calendar.
Once you have both the Big Three and the Small Steps, my challenge to you is to choose one. Just one for now. Choose the one on your Big Three list that calls to you most right now—the one that feels like it holds the most possibility of bringing more ease and more joy to your life right now if it could be acknowledged.
Choose that one, and its Small Step, and make it your focus for this month. Put your Small Step on your calendar, or talk it over with your partner or a trusted friend. You’re more likely to stick to doing it if you do.
And, if you have time, share your Big Three and your Small Steps with me below in the comments—or even your chosen ones. I’d love to hear what could bring you more ease and joy, and hold the intention with you that those things will come.
