Last month I went on a weeklong silent meditation retreat. I’m fortunate to be able to do this once or twice a year, and to have a partner who supports me in doing it.
One of the things that struck me on this retreat was how much everyone there reported feeling tired—depleted, overwhelmed, and in need of a real break. We all craved rest at a deep level.
Our meditation teacher suggested that, while it’s certainly true that none of us sleeps enough or makes enough time to relax, what we all truly long for is a different kind of rest.
We long for rest born out of true connection with our deeper selves. This is rest that comes from dropping the mental stories we spend so much time looping in. And dropping the personas (Super-Capable Employee, Put-Together Parent, etc.) that all of us wear, at least sometimes.
The thing is, sometimes dropping the stories and the persona can feel like more work than just keeping them going. I’m so good at keeping them going, after all—I’ve been honing them for over 40 years. Why stop now?
For me, the reason to consider poking some holes in these stories and personas is that, the older they get, the heavier they feel. I’m tired of lugging them around, frankly.
And, even more than that, I see how the (incorrect) stories and (unnecessary) personas get in the way of me being the partner, parent, and coach I want to be.
I noticed how much lighter I feel after a week connecting with my deeper self. How much more like Me. Not the little “me” that runs around trying to be perfect and please everyone at work and at home, but the Me that can really connect authentically with people, not feel worthless if I fuck up, and offer something meaningful to the people I am trying to help.
But, since I can’t live continuously on retreat—nor would I want to—it begs the question: how can I (re)discover this authentic Me when I’m walking around in my daily life?
Here’s what I’m practicing and finding helpful these days. Maybe it will help you too, if you’re also craving doable ways to reconnect to your Self.
1. Consider a Minimum Daily Practice.
I resisted a daily meditation practice for many years because it just felt too big. It was too much of a commitment, even before I had a kid. And after? Forget it. Even 15 minutes a day felt too hard.
Then, at a different retreat, I listened to another student talk about her struggle to practice meditation. My teacher asked her if she would be willing to consider a minimum daily practice, of 5 minutes each day.
“Five minutes?” I thought. Hell, even I can do that.
And I did. Gradually my sitting time grew, as I saw how much it helped me. But even if it hadn’t, those five minutes a day would be enough to change things.
Enough to reconnect me to how I’m feeling that day, and to what my mind is doing. And enough to take a few deep breaths into my belly, which helps ground me and reconnect me with my capacity to parent and partner and work the way I want to.
Here’s one way to do it.
Set a timer for 5 minutes.
Sit in a chair, on the floor, or wherever you are comfortable. Or stand. Or lie down.
Close your eyes, or keep them open and let your gaze soften.
Breathe. Notice.
2. Take in the Good.
I often reference this beautiful practice that I learned from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., who is a neuropsychologist and mindfulness teacher.
This practice comes from research that shows that we can change our brains for the better—reduce stress and anxiety—by intentionally working to absorb the goodness of positive experiences.
Because your brain is so deeply connected to your sense of self, I find this practice to be super helpful for self-connection.
The practice is really simple. Basically, you stop and notice when something pleasurable or good happens—finishing an item on your to-do list, the beautiful evening light, your kid giggling during storytime—and intentionally take in the goodness of the moment.
You breathe it into your body and really feel it deeply, for as long as you can sustain it. You might even say something to yourself like, “this is good” or “this feels good.”
To hear Rick Hanson talk about the practice, check out this six-minute video. (If you want to cut to the chase, jump to 3:45.)
3. Say No. (Or, Say Yes to Something Else.)
Did you ever hear the phrase, “whenever you say no to one thing, you’re saying yes to something else”?
I love this idea.
In real life, I find the idea of saying no to one thing in order to say yes to something else much harder to implement.
Sometimes it’s not even a person I can’t seem to say no to. It’s something like: “just one more load of laundry” or “I’ll just finish cleaning the kitchen and then I’ll [do that thing that actually helps me connect with myself].” I can’t stop.
But I’ve noticed that, when I do intentionally say no to one thing in order to say yes to something that will connect me with my deeper self, it’s a huge relief.
Saying no to the 9pm load of laundry lets me get in bed earlier and read for 30 minutes before I sleep—something that feels like true self-care for me.
Saying no to a date with a friend during a busy week gives me one evening to myself after my son goes to bed, which I know I dearly need.
It also helps me to ask myself, “what would I be saying YES to if I said no to this [request, invitation, to-do item]?”
These ideas are not intended to add one more to-do to your already-long list. So if trying them feels stressful, don’t do it! You may have another way in that looks very different.
But if one of these ideas works its way into your thoughts, see how it feels to try it once, or more. Notice what happens.
As always, I wish you more ease and joy in your parenting, and a deeper connection with your true self.
